The Inner Landscape

So I’ve been wondering these days if I should include some more access to my inner workings and feelings in this blog not just the exterior journey play by play but a bit more of me, the me that I dont show or express in my day to day interactions. So after pondering this for a few weeks and with the nudging of my partner, I am going to take a leap and be vunerable to the world. Tip toe, tip toe, tip toe to the edge…big breath….and Leap.

Part of my growing in this world in this lifetime is to show myself, more of myself to those around me. How do I know this , well because Inanna has gone over my birth chart (astrological) with a fine tooth comb and has shown me just what the stars say that I am here to do. My chart, also has my Neputune in the first house. And if anyone reading this also has addiction issues, you might have the same thing. Neptune in your first house. I have had a long on and off relationship with alcohol since I was probably 13. I have a similar story with many people who stated experimenting young with alcohol. My first experince of drinking to get drunk was at a friends house with a couple other friends and we were doing shots of 80 proof wiskey from a bottle that I stole from my parents kitchen counter during a Christmas party . I think it was 8th grade and I remember how good that feelings was , suddenly I felt alive, bigger than life and anythng was possible!

Well after 8 or 9 shots I managed to ride my bike home 2 blocks away, stumble up to the bathroom and proceed to get sicker than i had ever been. My father put me to bed and I remember waking up the next morning thinking, Wow, I’m in deep shit, AND that was amazing , I cant wait to do that again! So after that first encounter and learning how to get better at hiding it from then on, my addiction slowly grew over the next 15 years. I became the kind of drinker that once I started I did not want to stop, keep the party going untill the money ran out or the cops came. Mostly a week end drinker that began to escalate while in the Navy when I was 18 and 19 years old. While in port my buddies and I would drink most nights of the week as long as we had money to go to the bars. The same pattern stuck when I got out of the service and began working jobs in my hometown. As long as I made it to work the next day I told myself all was good. But it progressed. A trail of broken hearts, lost jobs, fights, smashed cars and overnight stays in jail. In my late 20’s I decided to go to get a college degree, far from home , where I believed all the trouble was and I could leave it all behind and start a new life out west. Well didnt take long for my drinking to escalate again and by my sophmore year I was binge drinking and hurting the people I loved. So I tried not drinking anymore, I told myself I would just smoke pot instead and go to some AA meetings on sunday mornings. Well I went to some meetings and got a sponser and shared my story with a group of strangers and started to feel better. So I didnt drink again for a long time without ever reading the Blue Book of AA or doing any of the work that is suggested. I thought I could do it myself, I stopped going to the meeting, stopped calling my sponser and figured I was good. For the next 15 or so years I didnt drink, well that is to say I did not drink reuglarly.

I would get drunk when I visited friends back east. I would would drink when my partner did not know and I could get away with it. I would drink when on a vacation with a friend to Costa Rica. I would drink a glass of wine eventually and say to my self , see I can do this , I can drink like a normal person. I would drink a beer after work in the truck on the way home and say , see I can do this, just like everyone else. And over some time I was able to drink around everyone else again in my life. But the interstting thing about this disease is it is a progressive illness. And over time I started drinking more and more and more. It got to the point where Inanna and I would get a bottle of wine and she would have 1 glass and I would stay up and finish the bottle by myself. Well Inanna , witnessing this and being concerned, wanting me to throttle back on the drinking and me just wanting it more and more I began to hide the amount I was drinking till it got to the point where I was drinking everyday, all day and hiding all the empty cans in the woodshed and constantly thnking to my self, how I am gonna get down to the store and get another 12 pack! Finally it all came to a head a year ago when Inanna had had enough and handed me my pillow. I had hit my bottom. I was done.

I moved into the guest cabin on our land and began to slowly pick up the pieces. Earlier that year I had met a fellow who was in the local AA group and I went to some meetings just to check it out. I knew he could help if only I reached out to him and boy did I need help. Inanna asked for a seperation but was ok with me living on the land. I was able to see the kids daily, thank God for that cabin. I called my contact with AA and I began to go to regular meetings, 2 sometimes3 times a week . I got another sponsor, I got a home group, I read the Big book , I started doing the 12 step program with all my heart and I began to start feeling better. It was also at this time that we were going thru the immigration process to stay in Canada and not knowing what the future held for us. In the AA program they suggest meditating and praying so each morning in the cabin I began to sit quietly each morning and soon found that this helped me throughout my day. I soon realized I would need to set my alarm for 5 am so I could have a half an hour before Nowa came over to see me each morning. Most times he came over as soon as he woke up and we would have breakfast together. This was truly a gift to be able to be so close to my family and see them everyday. After a few weeks of this routine and regular prayer I noticed that my fear around having to leave Canada and around the Immigration process began to lift. We had put together a complete package for Immigration Canada and our lawyer said we had a strong case so the only thing left to do was wait it out. The processing time was up to 12 months they said due to backlogs and Covid. Ultimately we would have to leave Canada and wait for our application to be looked at as we could not be allowed to stay more than 6 months . During this time I started to feel ok with whatever was in store for us. It was out of my control now and I would have to accept whatever happened. This outlook I owe to the program of AA and working the 12 step program. We prepared our departure as best we could. We found a renter for our place, had numerous yard sales , sold a lot of stuff on Facebook and dialed in our homesite for someone else to take over. We bought a used converted school bus and got it ready to travel. And on September 15 of 2023 we piled in to Dreamweaver and headed out. The decision from Immigration Canada came in sooner then we expected. And as we pulled down the forest road heading into the unknown we did know that we were never coming back.

I continue now to keep my morning practice and sit quietly each day. I celebrated one year of sobriety in November and my life seems more manageable now and I ride a bit looser in the saddle as they say. On the road I try to find an AA meeting whenever I can , the App on my phone helps with that and makes going to meetings possible. My family supports me in this anywhere we are and it sure is heartwarming to see the strength in the fellowship across this vast continent.